Monday, September 20, 2010

The Key to My Success.

I made it!!!

The Key to My Success Award. I am now a free WW lifetime member!
My WW leader Kris at the meeting
My number 1 supporter!
Just a handful of my supporting friends & family that came to see me get my award.

This was a GREAT night for me. I have been waiting for this day for a long time. I lost 2.6 pounds this week and plan on continuing til I reach the low end of the BMI chart. So 6 more, then I will STOP. My total loss at the time of my lifetime award is 64.8. I still can't believe this is ME. I know I have a lot of adjustments to do mentally now but I can do that too.

WW IS the program for me!!!

I know I could not have done this without a supportive family and such awesome friends. I spoke highly of my blog followers at the meeting after I was presented the charm. I told the class that "if they haven't already and have the time, they need to start a blog and get all the support you can. Cause without that it would not have been as easy to get to this point." So THANK YOU ALL!

Small steps make BIG results!
Never GIVE UP!!!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010


This is a great story!

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.


So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6

Monday, May 17, 2010

Postive thinking...

The sun is finally out. Went out for a few minutes and sat on my swing in the front yard. It is amazing what the sun can do for your mental state of mind.

I haven't been putting the time in my family blog since I started my WW blog. Sorry. So I thought I would at least do a short entry today.

Been having such a hard time excepting the fact that I am not able to do anything because of my stupid foot. I can't even go tanning. I tried to get a refund on my pass that I spent $50.00 on and they said "NO sorry but you used it more than once and you got your money's worth." Yeah right it was unlimited and HOW do they know I got my money's worth? They just lost a customer. Oh well. So this should be interesting on how I am going to get an even tan. Guess I wont be going to the pool this summer. I just hope I can get better before my vacation plans and the concerts I have planned for this summer.

After working so hard to look better and now this! Oh well that's the story of my life... Should not come to me as a BIG surprise. Chin up and stay focused on the positive is what I keep hearing. What a easy thing to say when it's not YOU living the disappointments.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Wants some WINE with that cheese?

Made it through another Mothers Day. My family is so awesome. Clay got my new 2 wheel bike. It's a Street Cruiser made by Schwinn (it's even RED who knew!) and Kayla got me the cutest card along with Sugarland's CD. I love my bike but the fact I can't ride it, because of my foot, stinks! Whining!

Having my foot injured is really jamming my life up. I can't even go shopping cause I can't drive. Clay's birthday is coming up and NO present yet. I missed my dear friends birthday too. I know they understand but it still doesn't make me any happier. Whining!

I can't exercise which is a real bummer too. I was doing so good. I hope that after I heal, I won't have to start all over with my progress. My weight loss is at a stand still which is making me mad. I have way too many things that I need to do and having this injuring is a "royal pain in my butt". Whining!

I know I am being a big baby about this foot thing. But when I was in the wheel chair because of my MS, at least I wasn't in this much pain. Being in the chair isn't the worst thing; its the fact I can't hop out of it to walk a couple of steps. Whining!

I know this too will pass. But in the mean time I am going to try not to whine so much. It could be worse right? I should be counting my blessings not focusing on the bad. Oh well that's just how I deal with things. I am a WORK IN PROGRESS.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Bah Hum Bug!

Yes today is Mother's Day. So big deal. I HATE Mother's Day and everything it stands for. Who really is that PERFECT MOTHER? I don't need to be reminded that I failed on so many levels as that facade of the "Perfect Mother". Don't get me wrong I love being a mother/grand mother and having a mother, just not the celebration of being one!

See I really hate the fact that it is like we are promoting the idea of this "PREFECT" mother. The June Cleavers, Betty Crockers, Mary Poppins of the world, etc... (You get the idea). When in reality there is a very very small number of women who actually fit the mold.

It really makes me sick to my stomach to listen to ALL the "wonderful" things that these so called PERFECT MOTHERS have done. And how "wonderful" their kids have turned out. "Well good for you is what I want to say to them."

And what about the fact that they would DO IT all over again. Are you kidding me! I wouldn't do it unless I could do it better the second time around. Like the saying goes "If I knew THEN what I know NOW". But that ain't going happen!

The overwhelming guilt to be THAT "mother" is what I hate the most. Why is it that on Father's Day you don't see guilt riddin' father's? Is it cause men don't get the guilt feelings like women do? Cause it surely isn't the fact that they have the whole "PERFECT FATHER" thing down.

And don't even get me started with all the MONEY that is centered around this holiday. Why does it take a holiday to be recognized on trying to be the best you know how? Whether it is a mother/father (Mother's Day/Father's Day) or a spouse (Valentine's Day).

So now that I got that off my chest. Happy Mother's Day to all the women out there that aren't PERFECT!

Friday, April 30, 2010

My new challenge

My foot/heel is a royal pain. Icing it seems to help but in order not to be stuck sitting with my foot up in the air, I wrap it. I start my Physical Therapy Monday morning. I am not a morning person but my dad will be here for a week and I don't want to miss anytime away from him. So I took the 7:30 am sessions.

Because his time schedule (Alaska time)is different then ours here in Utah, I knew he would not be waking up too early in the mornings. So I made my PT then. I could be all done and he would not even know I was gone. The trick is going to be getting Kayla ready and trusting that she will be responsible enough to get herself to school by 8:00.

The foot doctor told me that I would need to go 2-3 times a week for at least 1 hour. Also said they would be doing some pretty intense things to my foot which will more than likely make it uncomfortable for a week or so. Not looking forward to that. I have a concert to attend at the end of the week. Sugarland is WAY worth the pain! I know they will be thinking "I wish that girl over there would stop screaming so loud, we can't hear ourselves sing"...LOL (that girl would be ME!)

I am so excited that my dad is going to be here this week. I just wish the weather would cooperate with giving us a little bit of sun.

I will be posting more after they abuse me at my PT sessions. I will make sure to take my camera. The thought of shaving my legs everyday isn't one of my favorite things either, but I know I have too. What if the PT is a HUBBA HUBBA? Don't want to be embarrassed with stubby leg hairs. Wish me luck...

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Another trip to the doctor...

Going to the Neurologist tomorrow to see if I can get some answers to my health issues. I hope he doesn't put me on STEROIDS. I hate those things. I will keep you updated. Love ya.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Then Reality hits!

With MS I get the basic weakness, numbness, lack of movement, fatigue, and the dreaded NERVE pain. There are several reasons why I get these symptoms. But over all this years I have found that STRESS is the big one for me. This is a copy of the post I added to my WW blog.

This past week I have had several stresses. 1~my baby boys court hearing with his sex abuser, 2~my dad's visit next week from Alaska for a week (getting my house in order and making sure my 11 yr old doesn't upset him with her dis respect towards me), 3~seeing my oldest son in Prison (not knowing if he is ok there and when he will be getting out or at least moved closer to me), 4~knowing my weight loss might not being as good as I expected it to be this week (after I felt like I am working and sacrificing to do it), 5~Where I am hurting my loved ones by talking about my weight loss so much (making them feel guilt that they aren't), 6~getting my home cleaned for my guests, 7~not spending more time with my grand kids so my daughter gets more of a break, 8~being there for my mom's emotional ride while she deals with her sick husband, 9~the fear of not being able to walk again and relying on the wheel chair, 10~the goal that I set when I reached a 50 pound loss and we were going to Hawaii but now that trip is causing me anxiety on whether I want to be that far away from my family. As you can see I worry about things WAY too much. My family told me once that "I would worry, if I didn't have anything to worry about."

A few weeks ago my feet were causing me LOTS of pain and I thought (was hoping) it was just the fact I was not wearing shoes. But now the pain has moved up my right leg shooting electrical shock pains all the way up to my growing area. And it is getting worse. And my right foot is constantly a sleep with the pins and needle feeling always sticking me. This morning my right side and arm and hand are now hurting. This is what MS does to me. I am taking my Valiums and trying to get as much rest as I can. But as I lay in my bed my mind races with ALL the things that need to be done before next Saturday. I wish I could turn off my chatter box in my head.

I was so excited to share with my dad that I could walk better now and that I am moving more. But if he sees me like this it will break his heart and mine too. It looks like my weight training will need to be postponed a week or til I get better. And the past has show me that when I get like this I don' want to eat which will also effect my weigh in on Thursday. It's going to be a hard week for me and I pray I can get past this as quickly as possible.
This Too will pass as the doctors have stated...

Thursday, April 22, 2010

So you want RED!

I went tanning today and I asked for a lotion that would help me feel the burn. I know I am weird but I really like the burning feeling on my skin. I bought an unlimited pass for a month. The bed I go to is the Ultra Ruva bed. It doesn't have the burning UV rays like the Wolf beds. I am getting tanner but missing the burn feeling. So the person there told me about this lotion.

It's called Betrayal.

It brings the blood to the surface of your skin causing it to tingle. He warned me that I would look RED when I came out but it would not stay that way. After about 3 hours it will go into a tan. Man was he right! I felt the burn this time and I was REALLY RED right after. Now it is toning down and it looks much better. I think I want this lotion but it cost $70 for one bottle. (and its not that big either) I only go to the tanning beds for the 1st month of summer then I use the natural sun rays outdoors to keep me tan. I always have thought that BROWN fat looks thinner than WHITE fat. Hence I tan!

Saturday, April 17, 2010

A day in the sun...

I took my family to the U of U to watch the Utes and the alumni's play some practice games. The sun was shining and we had a great time. Took over 170 pictures and we all got our first sun burn of the season. Brandon came up from Utah county for the week end. It was his first time at a real football game.
I got to see a lot of the players from last year. We even got to speak to a couple of them.Matt Asiata
Terrance Cain
Former Ute player Scott Mitchell
getting sacked by Louie Sakoda
Former player Brian Johnson
(quaterback coach now)
And we can't forget SWOOP with Kayla.
It was a day of fun for all and I think we will make this a yearly event. It was free to the public and after they offered autographs to the fans. Clay and the kids went down on the field and fought the crowds of people to get Coach Whit's autograph.

After we got home, I was very very pleased with the job our neighbor boy did on my bushes. Here's a before picture, while he was just starting.
Now this is what I came home to see. What a big change. I love it when my bushes are all trimmed. It makes the yard look so cute.What a GREAT day we had.

Friday, April 16, 2010


So yesterday it was such a pretty day outside, I decided to go and enjoy the sun. Kayla came home from school and wanted to play some basketball in the driveway. I thought I would enjoy watching her for awhile. THEN...I got a wild hair up my butt! I was just thinking earlier that day that I need to start working on weight training and mixing up my exercise routine. So what better way to do that then to throw some hoops with my little girl. Every year I try to throw the ball in the basket, but every year it doesn't even get close to the net. My body strength was very weak and even with the hoop at its shortest level, I could not hit the net. But this time the hoop was all the way up and I was standing not in my wheel chair. So I thought I would try again. And OMG I actually hit the net, on the 1st try. Now to see if I could get it in the net!

It only took me a couple of tries and BAM! it went in!!! I was so excited and so was Kayla! With that little bit of determination I continued to shot more baskets. I even did a few lay up shots (not the prettiest form but I made the basket). My excitement got the best of me and I thought I would try to chase the ball after Kayla's rebound. Well....I guess I am not quite ready to run...LOL

I fell and I mean I fell hard. I caught the fall with my hands and knee but the force of the fall caused my haed to slam into the cement. OUCH!!! I didn't cry cause I could see that Kayla was concerned about me when she saw the blood. It was just the 2 of us at home and I was laying on the driveway bleeding. Poor Kayla, she ran into the house and got the wet wash cloth, a baggie of ice and a band aid. After further examination, I realized I was not injured bad enough to call a neighbor to help.

Kayla assisted me up and back to my patio swing. She felt really bad and thought she was responsible. I told her she did not cause me to fall, it was my STUBBORNESS!!!

I have a profound sympathy for abused people, cause that's how I feel. I never knew I had so many parts of my body that could hurt all at the same time. I am way too old to be falling on the cement. But it sure felt good to be able to throw the ball hard enough to make a basket.

As much as I hurt the day after, I am not going to let a few bumps and bruises keep me down. I will continue to do challenging thing. I will ride a 2 wheel bike and get back on roller skates again. (despite of what my husband thinks). I am very stubborn and I credit my quality of life to that. I could just as easily give up and not try anything new or hard. But that's not me! Or who I want to be! I am making my life better for me and my family. These scars will heal. I will continue to buy more Neosprin and stay active as much as I can..

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Spring is here!

A long awaited time to be able to get the swing back out. I hate winter and long for Springtime. Today is the first nice day this year but it is going to be short lived I am afraid. But I love this time of year!

Seeing the neighbors flowers start to come alive really brings joy to my eyes. I am not a gardener so I have to enjoy everybody else's flowers.

You know its close to summer when the kids are out riding their bikes, throwing a ball, roller blading, playing basketball, etc....

And then there's the sound of the Harley...As soon as the weather gets anywhere close to warm, out comes Clay with his helmet and a big smile. With Kayla right behind him!
I love Springtime! I think Clay would disagree cause with Spring comes his least favorite thing....YARD WORK! Poor guy. Maybe I will hire me a really HOT "yard boy"... Kind of like a "pool boy!"...Then he might want to do it himself. LOL

Thursday, April 8, 2010

My night with Jason and Luke!

My new Country Music love is Jason Aldean. I was lucky enough to attend his concert. I took a dear friend with me, Heidi, and I think we both had a blast. The song that made him popular is playing on my IPOD. She's Country is the name you can enjoy the video for it too.

Me and Heidi!

This is Luke Bryan!

This is my HUBBA HUBBA Jason Aldean!

Me getting into the concert!
Thank you Heidi you were way more fun than taking my boring ole Hubby!
I stood and yelled and sang the whole concert. I didn't even bring my wheel chair either. This was the first concert I walked and stood for. After the concert I needed Heidi's help getting me back to the car. It looked like we were lovers and really drunk. We laughed until our sides hurt!
Crazy people we met at the concert.
He had WAY too much fun....or beer!
Got to love meeting new people. It was a great night filled with music and dancing and lots of laughter.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

The pain in a childs face

This has been a month of pain. Between trips by the ambulances to the hospital's ER, illnesses and school accidents, my family has had its moments of painful faces.

On Feb. 10th my step dad was transported by an ambulance to the hospital's ER due to his failing health with his heart. Where he spent a few days in the ICU.
Later that day I was taken by ambulance to the ER from hyperventilation issues. It was brought on from taking a diet pill and then over exercising. I thought I was having a heart attack. My breathing was 65 per minute and it was supposed to be 15 per minute. After passing out I was able to get it under control for a few minutes away. After thinking my good days of walking were over I started having breathing problems again. This time its was a panic attack. The number in the middle is my pulse..YIKES!!!
Then my precious grand babies started getting sick. Kennedy got Hand, foot ad mouth along with Strep. Nicole took her to the ER and they gave her a shot of antibiotics.
And then there was poor Kolten. He was suffering from RSV.
Kolten quite breathing and was rushed to the hospital's ER by ambulance. He spent a week in the ICU and now is in his own room.
Kayla was throwing up non stop so after 10 hours we took her to the ER. They gave her a shot to stop the vomiting.
After getting her bottom braces on in the morning I took her to school. She was so happy! Her stomach was feeling better finally.

It wasn't even 2 hours after I dropped her off at school that I received a call saying I needed to come get Kayla. She had an accident and needed medical care. She had a run in with a tree during recess. Thank goodness Clay was home from work (He had come home earlier cause he wasn't feeling good). And here we go back to the ER. They did a CAT scan and X-rays on her leg. And of course she needed stitches.
It was so gross! And it broke my heart to see her in pain.

A total of 11 stitches were put in her head.
I received a call from Nicole stating that Kennedy fever was 105.3 So I packed up the family and We went back to the ER. She has an Urinary Track infection and had to be given antibiotics through an IV which she hated..
All this happened in a matter of weeks....
I want to get OFF this RIDE NOW!!!!